The Hole Truth? – Redneck Headlines

A seven-year-old in Baltimore was suspended from school after putting too much pop in his pop-tart, by allegedly shaping it into the form of a gun!

Second-grader Josh Welch was slapped with a two-day ban when a teacher saw him playing with his food and took note of the questionable shape of the breakfast pastry. While Josh insisted he was trying to create the image of a mountain, the school official says that he pointed it at a classmate and said "bang, bang" - a noise not commonly made by hills or mountains.

The parents of every student received a letter warning them about the incident and saying that "a student used food to make an inappropriate gesture." (New York Daily News)

A Cleveland-area man who was arrested for drunkenly arguing with a convenience store tobacco display had his mood brightened considerably when he was booked into jail – and professed his love for the urinal in his cell.

Cops were called to the store after a customer reported that Kenneth Kulas was acting strangely, conversing with a bottle of vodka and yelling at the tobacco. Responding officers said "[he] made no sense and was unintelligible," and when he became belligerent, they hauled him in.

After placing him in a holding cell to sober up, cops found Kulas expressing his love for the porcelain receptacle. He's facing a disorderly conduct charge (WEWS)

A Florida man who was busted on charges of exposing himself while his friend's teenage daughter was in the room insists that he wasn't being lewd just trying to do some "on-the-fly" repairs to his trousers.

Roosevelt Allen Douglas was allegedly at the girl's home watching a movie when she says he reached into his pants to pleasure himself.  She says he then called her over to show her x-rated messages that had been typed into his cell phone.

Douglas denies doing anything nasty and says that he merely wanted to fix a hole in his slacks that he hadn't noticed before. He insists the girl just happened to see messages he'd sent to someone else.

He's charged with lewd and lascivious display. (Gainesville Sun)