What If There Were No Super Bowl? – Think About It!
OMG!! Perish the thought! How would we possibly make it through that first weekend of February without having the NFL’s two top teams battling to the deafening sounds of the fans and their raucous cheers, beer belches, crunching nachos, and chicken wing slurps? Well, let’s just examine this for a minute.
For one thing, teams like your 2011-’12 Green Bay Packers and New Orleans Saints would still be able to hold their helmets up high. They could bask in their accomplishments of having outstanding seasons, and not in their (and their fans’) disappointment of getting eliminated from contention by teams that more than likely, got lucky. Have you thought about the Packers and their 15-1 record, lately? Didn’t think so. Trust me, they don’t care either. They’re still dwelling on the fact that they got beat by Kansas City and didn’t win even one playoff game. Bottom line – Super Bowls produce negative feelings.
Let’s just leave the teams out of it for now. After all, this is really our holiday. Who really cares what a bunch of jocks with multi-million dollar contracts in their hands, think anyway? Hit the gym, boys, and try a little harder to earn those bucks next time.
– Okay. So, think about it. If there were no Super Bowl, your favorite washed-up musicians would have one less venue to relive their glory days. I mean who can forget those outstanding halftime performances from the likes of Aerosmith, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, The Blues Brothers, Prince, and The Rolling Stones? What, you don’t? Me neither, but I bet you remember Janet Jackson’s “flash seen ’round the world,” though, hee, hee. That was 2004!
– Think about it. Without a Super Bowl loser, those poor Third World Country kids wouldn’t get their yearly free T-Shirts and caps, magnificently emblazoned with the year’s winning team that was actually the losing team. That also translates into lost wages for the kids working in the sweatshops manufacturing said T-Shirts and caps. How could we allow that to happen?
– Think about it. The U.S. economy would take a huge hit. January GDP would be down considerably. Frito-Lay, Tyson, and Dominos would have to resort to layoffs. The ring business would stagnate. The biggest sales month for Big Screen TVS would now be March. Radio and television stations would lose money due to no big promotions to kick off the new year (just imagine if you can, The Big Groundhog Day Makeover or the Presidents Day Sweepstakes). Those who provide tattoos, body paints, funny hats and wigs, party favors, linens, punchbowls, furniture rentals, etc., would also be feeling the pain.
– Think about it. We might actually be able to save the avocado from extinction.
–Think about it. There’d be no reason for a lingerie bowl. We wouldn’t have to put up with five hours of meaningless pregame analysis to be followed immediately after the game by five hours of meaningless postgame analysis. Television networks would be able to roll out their new and regularly scheduled programs without having to worry about getting trounced in the ratings. Don’t you hate having to decide between only a boring Super bowl or watching Titanic for the umpteenth time?
–Think about it. Church attendance would more than likely drop due to the fact that a lot of people wouldn’t be attending just to pray for their team to win.
–Think about it. The following Monday would suck as usual. There’d be no bragging, lamenting, stat-sharing, crying, or laughing over our favorite moments from the day before. Website posts would also be business as usual with no cool video highlights of the game, or of our favorite and/or the worst commercials, to share.
– And speaking of commercials…think about it. We would all return to our normal state of HATING them. It wouldn’t matter if they were good or not, funny or not. They’re commercials! They’re meant to be loathed and fast-forwarded through. The only thing worse than a commercial is knowing that somebody actually paid $3,000,000 in the hopes that you’ll watch it. It’s funny and extremely ironic that commercials to the Super Bowl have become what mud is to wrestling. It just makes the experience that much more enjoyable.
With all of this said, long live the Super Bowl! I know I enjoy the hoopla, the parties, and the all-around atmosphere of the whole overblown and uber-hyped event. It’s American, and that in and of itself makes it totally worthwhile.
Cheers to your team!