I Gotta Go To The Cannes–NOT! An Exposey By Troy De Cowboy

Can't you just smell the odors of escargot and foie gras wafting in from the Atlantic right now?  If so, it's probably because the Cannes (pronounced 'can') Film Festival is about to get started.  As with other French contributions, aside from the guillotine and the Statue of Liberty, I could really care less.

But why do I care less?  I love movies!  I pride myself on being a talented, thorough, and informed actor and artist.  As a child, this amazing film festival, that takes place on the French Riviera, was an unfulfilled dream and the stuff of legend.  I think a little self-examination is required.

To date, Cannes is the most noteworthy, honourable, and longest running film festival since Thomas Edison first exclaimed, "Let there be Hollywood!"  To be there is to not only see first screenings of the year's most anticipated films across the globe, but to revel in the excess of the world's highest paid performers, actors, producers, "yes" men, and directors.   That's what it is--I'm jealous!

From the scores of private jets and luxury yachts aching to accommodate all of this cinema royalty, to the hedonistic underground parties, soirees, and events certain to produce at least a dozen overdoses of some kind, Cannes, it seems, is less known for producing quality entertainment than it is, say for--promoting a lifestyle that only a few get to enjoy in a lifetime.  I'm certain it's all about money.  And again--I'm jealous!

But I'm getting to a point in my life when I'm tired of hearing about all the excess, when there's a world full of heartbreak, disillusionment, and unbearable circumstances that the majority face on a daily basis.  People are struggling to make ends meet while a certain celebrity is taking his 6th vacation of the month--and it's not even a good celebrity.

Woody Allen, who never disappeared too far from Hollywood's good graces despite plunging into a sexual relationship with his adopted step-daughter and turning her into his bride, is premiering a new film this year.  Lars Von Trier, the acclaimed Dutchman who first showed us Bryce Dallas Howard's naughty bits and who this year, follows up with Willem Dafoe's naughty bits, is also in the running for the prestigious Palme d' Or.

That's not to say that there isn't any family friendly or otherwise "good" bodies of work to be seen at Cannes.  Not only will the beach be littered with them,(jealous!) but Kung Fu Panda 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (the fourth installment in the franchise) will also be shown for the first time.  Just so you know that it's not all smut.

So, what exactly is my problem?  Besides the obvious, I guess, is that it would be that the Cannes lifestyle would be fun to take in for a while.  Besides the fact that I look great orange and present well in a speedo, enjoy women in bikinis frolicking around me, spend money as well as anybody, clean up nice, party sufficiently, and the list goes on...I mean it's four days of living a music video and darn it, I want the video game, at least. 

(Sigh)  Until then, I guess I will be content to just complain about it.