Lap Dunce – Redneck Headlines

God Speed

A Florida woman who was pulled over for topping 100 miles per hour in a 30 MPH zone told the officer that she'd gotten permission to speed from one of his superiors -- God.

Melissa Miller started off at the speed limit, but then laid on her horn -- letting loose a minute-long blast while picking up speed and swerving across lanes. When she was finally pulled over, she said she was "letting the Lord's spirit guide her," so it was okay. She also mentioned that the Man Upstairs had encouraged the horn blowing.

That gives a whole new meaning to "Godspeed."

Source: TCPalm.com

Lap Dunce

Cops saw right through this smokescreen. A Florida woman tried to fend off indecency charges by telling them her head was buried in the unclothed lap of an elderly man because she was looking for her cigarettes there.

Karnesha Nantz and Jack Fisher were both hauled in after an officer spotted them in a compromising position in the front seat of Fisher's car. Nantz said she'd met Fisher days earlier and asked him for a ride so she could go to a friend's home to buy drugs.

Both were charged with disorderly conduct and breach of peace after making ashes of themselves during the incident.

Source: Off the Beat

Stupor Bowl

A suspected drug dealer in Florida didn't bowl anyone over with his cleverness. He unsuccessfully attempted to avoid jail by confessing his guilt and then trying to flush the tape recorder down a police station toilet.

Patrick Townsend was pulled over on traffic charges and found to be in possession of more than 30 grams of methamphetamine, which he told the deputy was no big deal -- since he's used to carrying around pounds of the stuff. Oops. The officer taped Townsend's confession, but when he turned to attend to something else, the suspect grabbed the recorder and headed for the bathroom - where he tried to dispose of it.

Townsend, who remains in custody on the charges, offered one bit of advice to the detective - "Tighten up on your job, homie."

Source: Lakeland Ledger